I spent a lot of my day in solitude and quietness... pondering, and wondering, and revisiting, and reflecting. I've been thinking and remembering back on my last year, the 365 days that have passed. And as I was flipping through the cyber pages of the thoughts that I'd posted... I realized how much that I didn't write opposed to what I did. There's so much more that I didn't pen. That I didn't say. In the midst of so much hardness and sorrow, I failed to be able to mention or elaborate much in the midst of its hurt. I kept its horror covered and protected, like with a hand over a wound; I couldn't expose it, nor fully open myself up to its bleed. In my suffering, I stayed hidden under the cover and couldn't completely reveal my naked self and its feelings. As I said a couple of times throughout, there was still some things of which I couldn't speak!
I may have hinted at it. Touched at it maybe? But in my beaten-upness, I dared not expose the raw-ness and total real. I noticed my silence in March and April and most of May. And my barely being audible still in June and July and August. If truth be told, it's still hard to write.... it's as if my feelings want to shut down or hide... or simply they want to turn down the volume. They're afraid to be seen. They'd rather attempt to numb themselves than to expose the awfulness of what they really feel. Even the super highs were hard to tell.
It's a wild wonder that I now hold in my mind in this moment. As we close this door to our 2011.... I'm almost afraid to open the door to our year of 2012. For I know that once opened, we can't stop what we've opened it up to. And as our Lord knows, we can't peek inside it to see what in advance that our new year holds. It doesn't give us a choice to chose.
Had I known all of my 2011 prior to it happening... had I known it as I held my hand on the door to open it....... I couldn't have! I wouldn't have! I'd have held it tight! I would have kept it closed! I would have locked myself on the other side of it, if there had been any way, if it had been possible. And yet, look at all that I would have missed! In this midst of some much hard, God provided and gave so much GOoD! Reading back over all that I've written, I was blown away again by His all-over-it-ness! His impossiblenesses! His wonderfulnesses! His so often blowing my mind up! His constant sweet and unexpected surprises! I have to say to Him, Lord, I bow...and in humbleness, I cannot thank You enough!
Truth be told, even though wondering, I'm excited to put an end to this year. I'm super excited about starting a new one! Every now and then, we just need new! I'm ready for it! I've been anticipating it! I hope it holds all sorts of surprises! The good kind! HaPpY ones! Ones full of joy! Ones that are held forever in memories! And awed about long after they've occurred! He "knows the plans" He has for us.... plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future!
Well.. ready or not, here it comes! On with it then! Cheers to the old... and cheers to the new... Now let's let the new year begin..... And may I see You this year, Lord, more vividly than I have ever in my life seen You before!