(Here's an old post... reposted... for I feel I must post it again! Why? Because it is my everyday all the time feeling...................... I have NEED to cry out (no matter how much I cry)!)
I love to teach!
I love to teach!
I mean like, I. LOVE. to. teach!
It scares the boogiggers out of me. Yet, there's a fire that burns inside my bones that feels it must! that feels it has to!, that is dying to get out! Dying to tell it! Dying to scream it from the roof tops. Dying to tell it to my neighbors. Dying for an outlet somewhere. Hear me loud: I looooonnnngggng to teach!
I miss it when I'm not doing it. Crazily, I even miss it when I do! :/
Technically, you could say that I'm doing it now. But technically, I don't feel that I am. Right now I am teaching in two women's prisons, and soon to start a new group next week. But, to me, it's not the same. We have material to go by. Books to follow. Lessons already prepared, that we minutely go by.
That doesn't do it for me. That isn't what I was wired for. I long to use the Word alone for the material and manna we gather. It's harder for me to do it when the lesson plan is all mapped out. I can do it. But it leaves me lacking. It doesn't fulfill me. And right now I feel like I'm about to explode! I feel like I am about to b-u-r-s-t! I need only the Seed alone!
Oh, I still do that. But there's no one to tell it to. Not like I'd like. No one to marvel with it over. No roof top to proclaim it from.
Lately the verse that echoes continually in my mind is the one found in Luke 19 where the whole crowd of disciples were joyfully praising God in loud voices for all that they had seen Him do. They praised Jesus as He rode into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey saying, "Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!..." Some of the Pharisees in the crowd tried to get Jesus to stop them. That's when Jesus answered and said, ""I tell you," He replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out"" (19:40).
That's how I feel. If I keep quiet, if I stay silent, if my voice stays in stillness... the rocks will cry out. I feel I have-to cry out.... or the rocks will have to!... and they'll turn and look at me and wonder why I didn't???
""But if I say, 'I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name,' His word is in my heart [my inner man, my mind, my will, my thinking, my appetites, my emotions, my passions] like a fire [a consuming fire], a fire shut up [restrained, closed up, withheld, stayed, detained, halted, stopped] in my bones. I am weary [weary, impatient, grieved, faint, exhausted] of holding it in [seizing it, containing it, holding it, restraining it, enduring it]; indeed, I cannot [am not able, don't have the power to, lack the strength to]" (Jer 20:9).
Woo.... hear me crying............... bellowing from the heart............ for inside the fire still burns... and I beg for a fire that blazes even hotter.... all the while thanking the Lord for the fire that I've got.... because He's given it to me, not to keep alone, but to continually share it with another so that we can burn for Him all t(w)ogether!!!
Lord, I thank You for The Rock! My Rock of Refuge! My Hiding Place! My Rock of Salvation! The Rock of Ages cleft for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!