I haven't written, because it seems I've completely forgotten how to write! And for one who once had to pen E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G(!)..... I miss me! As crazy as it may sound, I miss my write! I miss my have-to! I miss my need! I miss my got-to! I feel as I have been blinded! I miss my sight!
It's like a friend that I've put out to pasture. Like a friend that I've misplaced or left behind. Like an invisible friend that I've neglected. A friend that I've hung up on. A friend that I've walked away from. A friend that I've lost. A friend that I'm looking for. A friend that I cannot find! It might not be your friend, but trust me, once she was mine!
Where is the me I used to be?
Yesterday, and the day before, I was writing to a new friend, a friend that my daughter introduced me to. And twice, maybe three times even(?), without even knowing me, in her emails she told me that I ought to write a book... and that if I did, she'd buy it! Her words made me cry. It stopped me in my tracks. I wanted to tell her (and I did) that I lost my write. That I have not just forgotten how-to, but with all of my want-to, I've still lost my have-to! It's like the pen to my soul has dried up. There's no ink to spill. There's no think to quill. There's no... it's almost like inside me there's no fill to feel!
No. That's not so true, but it is too! There is feel. I do feel! I feel a lot! But yet it seems my feel is lacking. It's not like it used to be. My feel isn't FILLED full enough to spill out. And honestly, I am super sad to say so!
Used to I simply couldn't help it! I couldn't stop myself if I had to! I'd write on anything I could find. A napkin. A receipt. A paper bag. My hand. My arm. A check. A deposit slip! A blank spot in a book! A pamphlet! A magazine! I could hardly sit without pen in hand with paper. I almost couldn't hear a word (or read one!), especially in church, without scribbling in ink something that had moved me.
It used to be like a flood. But now, though it still comes, it seems to come only in drops! What's left is just a mere drizzle. Where's the gush that used to rush over me? Where's the flooding that used to fuel me? Where's the overwhelmation that used to move me? Where is the umption that used to take over me?
- the motivation to do something
- a driving force
Where's the need? The pain? The angst? The joy? The ecstatic? The anguish? The fire? The ____.... All of the "The" things that are missing?
This friend that was emailing me shared with me some poems from a poet that had been an invalid and so stuck on her bed for 35 years! When I read that and after reading one of her poems I thought: Woe, at the gift she was given in being laid there so long obviously for that very reason!!!! Don't hear me wrong, I DO NOT wish to be an invalid unable to get up, but I love what this lady did in the place that God put her!
I suppose that the reason that that visual hit me so hard was because of a place that I was when God first captured me so and I was so desperate for Him! I would pack my children off to school and spend every hour of every day while they were away upon my bed delving deep into God's Holy Writ and sitting at the feet of my Jesus! I literally spent years there, and dared the world or the people in it to pull me away. I was a sin-sick soul in desperate need of her Savior! I needed help! And I needed healing! I treasured each moment! Each minute! Every second! Every tick and every tock of the clock! I knew then that that time was a gift. I knew then that it wouldn't last forever. I studied! I cried! I wrote! I wept!..... And now I miss those days! I miss the time I was given! I now am in prison teaching so much that I don't have the privilege of sitting silently hour upon hour so that I can be filled enough for the words to spill out of me. To do so, I need quiet. I need lone-ness. I need uninterrupted-ness. And I need lots of it. I don't know how well I write; but what I do know is that I still have an everlasting longing, desire, NEED!, to do so!
So now I sit here in the quiet of my home with three sleeping dogs surrounding me. Bible close by, pages already opened and read, fire place warming my back, looking to my God! Looking to my Lord! Tears have slid down my cheeks as I've talked to my Savior... willing Him to see, willing Him to feel, willing Him to be moved with His blessed compassion.... Asking Him as I so often do to let me see Him see me in the place where I sit! In the place where I've sat with Him for so many years previous. I've felt Him here! I've heard Him here! I've seen Him see me here! He has simply so many times blown me away with His wonder in this very spot!
That's all I need, Lord! A fulfillment of you! Whether it ever passes on through from my fingertips to a page does not matter. It's You I want! It's You I need! Teach me, Rabboni, for I am Your student! Teach me, for I am Your servant! Forgive me! Tell me! Show me! Change me! Transform me!..................... for after all, it's not "me" at all that I have been missing, but You, Lord, due to all of my busyness. Martha was distracted by many things, when it was Mary that had chosen the "one thing"! I used to be a Mary, dear Jesus, but I am afraid lately that Martha has invaded my every minute..............