I left my PWHDs (Princess Warriors in Human Disguise prison girls group) feeling very, very, very heavy today. Depressed. Burdened. Overloaded. Sad. It's all too big! It's so looooong for them!!! So horrid. So demeaning. So shackling. So humiliating. So degrading. My heart is aching. I wanna cry.
I know... they're paying the price (the consequences) for what they've done. But still, it's horrid. It's still demoralizing. It's still inhumane. Still awful. Still so yuck. Still..... so many things.
Listening to them opening their hearts today and share their weariness of where they are, how long they've been there, how much longer they have to go,... and then, their fear of what might happen to them when they get out.... was simply heart-retching. The cards are stacked against them. The odds are too. If not for God, what would they do? But even with Him they know it doesn't guarantee easy, smooth sailing, that all things will work out the way that they hope they will and want them to. Who will want to hire them? Who will give them a chance? What kind of job can they even do, they're not trained, inexperienced, have no job referrals, have a criminal background against them.........
To my horror (while doing my best to disguise the horrific look on my face), I listened to them talk about the fear they have of being thrown back into prison once they get out for something they didn't do, but were blamed for and believed by others because of the background they have and the name that they've earned.
I don't know. What do you do with all that? I did the best I could. I know God graced me to. But woe, I left wondering what in the world am I doing? And feeling that I've just entered some deep waters that is truly way over my head! I've had no training for this.
What am I doing? How in the world am I going to help? What good, seriously, will I really be able to do? What difference can I make? Their road is so long. There are so many obstacles against them. And even when (IF) they get out, they've got such a battle ahead of them. In all honesty, a new war that awaits them. Different fields in different combat zones, but still swords are drawn, still a battle to be fought before the final victory is won.
Yes, God knows the plans He has for them! (And He really does still have one!) He has a purpose for them still. He has a hope for their future. And, He truly does work ALL things out for GOOD for those that love them. But, too, I saw reality today. It's a long haul. It's a huge battle. There's not an overnight fix. There's not an instant easy. Make no mistake, I do not doubt for one second that God brings beauty from ashes and plans to do so in all of their cases. But it's so hard on the way. I wish to quickly make things okay. I want for them what Joseph had. It took him one day to go from the prison to the palace. Though, surely, he still drudged a hard, long and winding road in his mind... his brothers still had sold him. Even with him, his victory wasn't instantly won even though his circumstances were beautifully better.
I can't fix what I can't no matter the want to. God didn't give me the power to and I'm sure He didn't make a mistake in that and that He knew what He was doing when He didn't. He did give me an unexplainable love and passion for these people though. And He gave me that for a reason. He's opened doors to send me there. And He's opening a number of other doors too on purpose.
I know. I'm not looking for answers. I know The One that has them. Tonight, I'm just venting. Just sad. Just saying.....
I was telling my son some of my sad and so he shared with me a song. It's sad, too. But maybe it'll open someone's eyes to want to give another a 'second chance' after something horrid that other someone has done.
One Second Chance
(by Jeff Bates)
"It says here you're from Houston: You're certified to drive a truck.
"It doesn't say what you been doin' the last five years."
Then I watched his eyes keep readin', then I watched his eyes look up,
An' watched another job I needed disappear.
'Cause when they get to the line: "Have you been convicted of a crime?"
They say: "Thanks for comin' in," an' they don't call you back.
I ain't askin' for every job under the sun:
I just want one second chance.
On August twenty-second, well, little Jacob's turnin' five,
But his Momma moved him half-a-state away.
I left another message on her phone at home last night,
An' she fin'lly had her lawyer call today.
She knows I can't afford to take this thing to court,
And I'm tryin' hard to make her understand:
I ain't askin' for every weekend of every month,
I just want one second chance.
I was young an' I was stupid: I regret it every day.
I ain't sayin' I didn't do it but I 've paid for my mistakes.
It's a lost and empty feelin' when they don't want you around,
Yeah, I finally got my freedom but what good is it now?
There's some days when it feels like it's been a hundred years;
Sometimes it feels like only yesterday.
We were paintin' Jacob's nursery, countin' days till he was here.
Next thing I knew, I'd thrown it all away.
Now I know I can't go back to the life I used to have,
When I still held the whole world in my hands:
I had a job, I had a wife, I had a son,
Now I just want one second chance.