Sometimes I hardly can stand myself. And I requestion everything that I'm doing. I can be soaring one moment like on the wings of an eagle, then without warning or reason find myself plummeting at break-neck speeds toward a pit of woe... and thus, frustrated with myself in my wallow of despair.
I was attempting to study tonight for our tomorrow night's lesson. Instead, I sit with my brow furrowed, my face downcasted, my heart discouraged, and like I said, my mind is questioning: "What am I doing? And who in the world am I to teach anyway?"
All I can say is: I'm fizzling fast!
Argh!!! I hate when I feel like that. I hope God revives me greatly before our tomorrow's meeting.
Not only that, I have a meeting (before that) that I should be excited about at another prison right after lunch on Monday. This one should really have my energy peaked and my anticipation roaring. It should. I've been so excited about it. But tonight, for some reason, it doesn't. I ought to be kicked. Hung by my toenails. Spanked and sent to my room until my mood is better.
What's my problem?
What's my deal?
What in the world do I have to whine about?
I've got so much (SO MUCH!!!) to be thank-FULL for! I am so blessed! I am blessed beyond measure!!!
But still. :(
I think I've figured it out. Actually, I know that I have. I just plain out don't like myself right now. The upkeep of this house, this "temple," this jar of clay, this vessel of Jesus', is sometimes more than I bargained for. It's a whole lot to keep! It's a vicious cycle! A continual working. It demands so much! It's a whole lot of work! And today it's my self-control's lacking that has me so aggravated and disgusted with myself!
Can I just say: weight!
Need I say more???
Ugh (again!), I wish I could eat without hating I did!!!!
But really, I wish my Self-Control was controlling myself better than it does!
P.S. So sorry that tonight's post isn't encouraging anywhere at all.