Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Color me GREEN!

I got detoured, sidetracked, re-routed, changed directions........ spun around completely yesterday and was left dizzy! Dizzy and GREEN!

GREEN!!!! From head to toe, from inside to out, and all in-between. GREEN!!!

Green from a re-newed and resurrected want-to. An old longing was re-ignited. A once thinking that I would, realizing today that I haven't, and wondering (supposing!) now that I never will??? It left me sad. Desiring. And mourning.

I chased a rabbit......... and came back worn-out, weary, and lamenting.

Here's what happened:

I always thought that I'd adopt. I always saw it happening. For as long as I can remember I pictured us with extra kids. Kids not birthed from my womb, but that were added to mine, and birthed so very deeply into the depths of our hearts that it seemed every bit from my womb as my other three were. Crazily I visualized us as being given the child (or the children) rather than working hard in pursuit of them, laboring for them until they belonged. Perhaps there lies my downfall, my failure, my loss because of all that I didn't.

Yesterday I was reading a post of a fellow-blogger that was mourning her own want-to to adopt. Her blog sent me deeper and deeper into the hearts of other bloggers. And as I insinuated earlier, I returned depressed, heavy-hearted, saddened, and yearning and sorrowful for all I had lost. And all that I still so very much want.

In our financial depression and our age, I can only envision what my husband's response would be should I again bring up the subject. Not long ago, in church, I held twin DHR babies living in a foster home that I've actually kept a lot, and pictured the process of how we might go about making these babies our own. In my "could see it happening," I also "couldn't see it at all."

Aw. I think and see pictures of all those that are homeless. I know there are babies and children of all ages without a dad and a mom. Why is the process so hard to take one into your home? I want a child (no matter the age) that cries because they want a mom and a home and someone to love them! I've got room in my heart for more love! Why can't one (or more) be mine?

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world"  - James 1:27.


  1. Those babies are hard to get because while we start out thinking we are going to "save" the unwanted babies of the world, in all actuality, God is doing a work on us..."saving" us in a sense. I'm not saying I like it, but through our long, hard experiences adopting the 3 children we have adopted through foster care, God has grown me. He has matured me. He has molded me into the mom that THESE kids need...not the mom I necessarily thought I would be to them. It's about trusting God, when DHS seems to be in control and not doing a very good job. It's about having faith when He moves a child out of your home that you were told would be yours forever. It's about obedience...

  2. Wow! I love your heart mom2many!! Thank you so much for sharing a piece of it here! My very best friend has adopted two China girls and I can see a tad of what you're saying here about what God's done in her life and in her. I have so many very close friends that have adopted through the years (from China, Africa, India, Russia, the U.S.). I've been surrounded by the love and the awe of that world! It's incredible! And such a birth, a laboring, and toiling of a whole other kind than the three babies I bore. I've loved being a little pawn in their journeys and for being able to taste a little of their crumbs.

    Again, thanks for commenting. I love what you shared!

    Wow though, about what you said in that second to last and last line!!!