I got detoured, sidetracked, re-routed, changed directions........ spun around completely yesterday and was left dizzy! Dizzy and GREEN!
GREEN!!!! From head to toe, from inside to out, and all in-between. GREEN!!!
Green from a re-newed and resurrected want-to. An old longing was re-ignited. A once thinking that I would, realizing today that I haven't, and wondering (supposing!) now that I never will??? It left me sad. Desiring. And mourning.
I chased a rabbit......... and came back worn-out, weary, and lamenting.
Here's what happened:
I always thought that I'd adopt. I always saw it happening. For as long as I can remember I pictured us with extra kids. Kids not birthed from my womb, but that were added to mine, and birthed so very deeply into the depths of our hearts that it seemed every bit from my womb as my other three were. Crazily I visualized us as being given the child (or the children) rather than working hard in pursuit of them, laboring for them until they belonged. Perhaps there lies my downfall, my failure, my loss because of all that I didn't.
Yesterday I was reading a post of a fellow-blogger that was mourning her own want-to to adopt. Her blog sent me deeper and deeper into the hearts of other bloggers. And as I insinuated earlier, I returned depressed, heavy-hearted, saddened, and yearning and sorrowful for all I had lost. And all that I still so very much want.
In our financial depression and our age, I can only envision what my husband's response would be should I again bring up the subject. Not long ago, in church, I held twin DHR babies living in a foster home that I've actually kept a lot, and pictured the process of how we might go about making these babies our own. In my "could see it happening," I also "couldn't see it at all."
Aw. I think and see pictures of all those that are homeless. I know there are babies and children of all ages without a dad and a mom. Why is the process so hard to take one into your home? I want a child (no matter the age) that cries because they want a mom and a home and someone to love them! I've got room in my heart for more love! Why can't one (or more) be mine?
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" - James 1:27.