Monday, January 10, 2011

Unnecessary Anguish & A Futile Attempt

Despite the "should" I've suffered the anguish. I've tossed in the turmoil. I did sleep. But I sure rose early! I've been up for hours. I've prayed. I've sought. I've asked. I've knocked. I've begged. And finally I noted a little of what I thought that I was meant to be sent with. Though the message was good (powerful!) still... (as usual), I trembled with the terror. "Oh Lord, give me the words to say. And help those I am being sent to to hear You and not me. To see your face and not mine. To be left impacted and impressed with Your message alone. Let them leave whoa-ing in your wonder and what You have for them. Light a fire (or flame one) with a greater desire for You inside."

Then, washed and painted and doo-ed and dressed I walked to my vehicle confident (kinda), but fearful.

The weather's been bad, so I kept anticipating the call, or an email or something, telling me to stay home. Sadly (but not so secretly to my Father), I kept hoping I'd get one. I didn't. I might as well go now, I thought, it won't be any easier the next time. I keep thinking it will... hoping it will... but I've almost given up on that, because it hasn't yet.

Sitting in my car waiting for my frozen window to unfreeze I decided (just in case) that I'd better call rather than show up making an idiot of myself hollering up to the officer that man's the Guard's Tower at the men's prison. I dialed the number (which I should have dialed earlier) and asked the Sargeant that answered if the Pre-Release Program was still scheduled as normal or if (because of the weather) it had been cancelled?

Guess what?

It had.

"Lord," I said, "You knew that! All of this readying and anguishing for nothing! You knew that long in advance. It would have been nice if You'd told me earlier."

I think He smiled and shook His head... Sometimes though I think He'd probably like to shake me.

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