Aw... the memory made me want to cry!
I was sitting at ACA's ballgame last night (Go EAGLES! What a win!) and had dug a silk fan out of the bottom of my purse (my goodness, it was hot!). I'd been fanning awhile before I noticed (and remembered!) the engraved words that I had put on the fan when I ordered it several years ago. It said, "Your IN-side is showing OUT".... which reminded me of the time and why I had put it there.
I was teaching a Wednesday night ladies' bible class entitled: "Wearing: My “IN”sideOUT!". Woe, I learned so much during those 13 weeks. I realized just how very much our insides really are showing out. In our words and our actions. In our mannerisms, and our moods. In our secure, and our insecurities....
Wow, it made me want to go back there. I've got some free time this afternoon before getting ready to go out again. And I so plan to look through some of those lessons. It'll make me want to cry (I can feel it coming!). It'll make me miss it! It'll make me want to go back and teach it again. It'll make me want to WRITE out (in more detail) the lessons. Like I said, I learned so much and it was so good and God blew my mind in what He taught me then that I've often felt compelled to try to record it for a book. Yet seriously, do you have any idea how hard that is? Or, how insecure I get when I attempt again at the writing?
Lord, help me. Lead me. Tell me. Compel me. Convict me. Convince me. Or not. And let me know of Your will and not mine. And if Your will is for me to write down what You've taught me, then... re-teach what you told me again and equip me and give me the drive and the determination and the stamina to do it. Move me! Use me for Your vessel in whatever You want done.
I guess nobody learns as much as the teacher does while she's preparing. Unless you've done it before, nobody knows it's intensity, it's woe, it's wonder, it's awe, it's overwhelmation. The times you want to cry because of God's tenderness. The laboring!!! The thinking. The meditation. The begging and pleading and asking and crying out in prayer. The asking of "what?" to teach on, and the "how?" to teach it. Asking for explanations, for parallels, for examples, for revelation, for clarity. It is a birthing in its own right. And I guess I still love all that God produced and so graciously blessed me with because of that labor. It's like a child of mine. (I put my whole heart in it.) And I miss my baby.
That sounds dumb.. calling it that. I debated whether to leave it. I almost erased it. A child? Seriously? Your baby? Give me a break!
Still.... I couldn't delete it. It may sound ridiculously dumb. Regardless, it's my feeling. :( I want to cry..... because my God is that GOoD!
Thank You, Lord, for the things You've done! Thank You for all You continue to do! Thank You for Your woe-ing wonder! Thank You for thrilling me so... like You have so often! It's that same scripture all over again, "If Your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." Thank You for the delight of Your Word! and Your willingness to reveal it... one word, one step, one definition, one picture, one puzzle piece at a time! Life's always so FUN with You!