I didn't get butterflies! I didn't ache! Didn't yearn! Didn't hurt! Didn't wallow. Didn't waver. Didn't lose my head and get all caught up in a yesterday's year. I didn't lose myself. Or get weirded out or nervous. I didn't miss what we had and thus mourn for it. Our no-longer-"us" didn't sadden me sorrowfully as it so often used to... Seriously, I barely even thought about it!
I thanked God a thousand times over for healing what I (at one time) thought would never stop bleeding! I LOVED seeing his mom!!!! She grabbed me tight and hugged me twice!!! She said she had just been talking about me to somebody the other day and wondering whatever had happened to me. It was exciting, too, to see his brothers! It was a sweet time. I loved seeing them all again! I noted his wife was beautiful! In a different season (had I first known her without him), I'm sure, I would have automatically liked her. It was a sad occasion (I LOVED his daddy!!!!!!), but he'd been sick for 16 years, so in reality, it was truly considered by all (for him) to be a blessing!! I was so glad I went.
In my excitement to my failed "swoon" reaction, I texted a friend (who just might be as surprised as I was that I didn't!) to tell her. She texted me back. "I'm glad that God "made all things new" at the funeral for you!!! How good! how God!!!".
And yes, indeed, it was! It was good! It was God! I was glad! It WAS "all made new"! It was incredible! I really (as I've earlier said) couldn't thank God enough!
I. Didn't. Swoon!
Did you get that?!
I didn't swoon!!!
I (ME!!!)...
Did...
NOT...
Swoon!
That, my friend, was a biggie! A miracle! A phenomenon! A gift of the sweetest kind from my Savior!
And then...
I still was not swooning, but (after a whole week and a half had gone by) my mind was still thinking about it! I kept picturing the moment. Kept seeing us standing there. Kept visualizing it. Kept reliving it. Kept playing it back. He wasn't who he used to be, but he was still so him! I couldn't help but hope that he thought that I looked pretty (exceptionally so!). My mind kept wondering what he must have been thinking? My mind kept wondering what his mind still thinks? My mind kept wondering if his mind kept wondering? My mind kept wondering if he had wished he could have talked more to me?
Is that silly or what?! Stupid! Crazy! Irrelevant! Ridiculous! Embarrassing! Why did I wonder really? What does it matter? What difference does it make?
I can't tell you how much that I had hoped that he'd call me, text me, email me, FB message me. I didn't really, yet kind of did(!), think he'd do something! Say something! Find me! Make his presence known! Speak some sort of way! Acknowledge the happening. Thank me for coming. Not just leave it there, do some kind of thing!
But!
He didn't!
And I wasn't surprised...but I WAS! In reality, I really was! Not knowing I'd expect it, I expected something!
But he didn't!
Crazily, I wasn't sad. It didn't hurt me that he didn't. And though I wanted to hear from him, I didn't at all want it to get something started. Just a quick "hi, glad you came" and "you're welcome, how could I not?" would have sufficed. OR, at least my mind told me it would! But with all the obsessing, wondering, thinking.... I realize now that it wouldn't have. I'm afraid that after he'd spoken that just a quick speak wouldn't be enough. I probably would have expected him to say something again after I responded to what he said.
And now? Realizing all of that. I'm so glad that he didn't! I'm so glad that he didn't open a door that would have been havoc and so hard and so painful again to close! I can't tell you how much I have thanked God for that door not being opened! I went through that several years back... and it took a fierce fight to shut that once-opened-again door back again!
You are my Shield, Oh Lord! My Provider! My Protector! My Very Great Reward! Thank You for Your love! Thank You much for protecting me! Thank You for knowing what I need! And thank You especially, Lord, for knowing what I do not! And too, as silly as it sounds, thank You, Lord, for times when old girls after a whole lot of years don't swoon anymore over very old yesterday's boys.....
.
No comments:
Post a Comment