Saturday, July 21, 2012

A rant and a rave and a convicted "I'm sorry"

I have been readying myself for travel! For a visit with a very special friend... one that I've not seen in eons... one that I've missed a lot (a lot! a lot! a lOt! a LoT! A LOT!)! And during our visit, our plans included our attending a Beth Moore Living Proof Live event that she bought tickets to while we're at it. 

I've been readying for months. I (against everything in my nature) had even begun packing my luggage. I've shopped for new mascara, more hair spray, more of the hygiene items that I am almost out of. I've been watching what I eat, hoping to whittle away a little extra. I just recently started tanning. I had scheduled a hair appointment for the day before my planned departure. I've found a place to house my 3 dogs while I'm gone. I've made arrangements to rent a vehicle because mine doesn't seem so reliable. I've picked out the outfits that I'll be wearing and am thrilled that I don't have to do any shopping. I've got the shoes! I've got her a gift. I've cleared my calendar. I'm prepared! I had begun the countdown.

And then...

Life sometimes has an unkind way of changing your already-ready-made-really-want-to plans. Something else came up (my mama's coming to town)... and it fell-ed all the plans that I have made down.

I emailed my friend last week:

"Bridget, I know this may sound silly... but I so very much am wanting this trip. I have bowed out of meetings and conferences and appointments of all sorts trying to rearrange my schedule and clear my calendar so that I can make this thing happen at the end of the month. Wildly, everything under the sun seems to be happening at that particular moment! The latest thing thrown at me seems so radically far-fetched and out of my radar... I wouldn't have expected it. With all of the craziness in my mama's world, if she wants to come here I cannot even being to try to talk her into going some place else. But I am wanting God to do something so Him that it works out without me having to shoo her away. I'd rather it be her idea and not mine.. but it will take an act of God for that to happen. Pray!!! Please pray that He will do something... that He Himself will work it out! I am still preparing... still trying to get things ready... still anticipating, and even in my disappointment still not giving up. Crazily, Ta (my son) will be in Florida, Tim (my husband) in Georgia, Sabrina (my daughter) in Gulf Shores... and supposedly me in Illinois so I already even had the dogs (all 3!) lined up for their spend-over nights some place else... and if you know me very well, I don't do that! It truly doesn't look doable right now, but I am so very much sitting at God's feet asking for a miracle! I need it!!! And even more selfishly, I just plain out want it badly! For it to happen, I am asking that you fervently team up with me as I go to Him in prayer about it."

She told me, "Teaming with ouY!!!"

In my pitiful desperation I emailed again: "Thank you... I don't know when I've been so serious! Oh Lord, I beg Your grace, Your mercy, Your kindness, Your compassion, Your favor... please hear, please consider, please answer, please grant my plea. I feel in such need! I need a Word, I need a friend, I need an absence for a few days, I need a refreshing, a refueling, a renewing, a re-firing, some iron sharpening iron..... I need so much! Your will, dear Lord, please work things out so that I can visit my friend at this month's end. In Your Sweet Son's Name, Jesus, my heart pleads............

It's been a whole week, so yesterday my friend texted me, "How does it look?!!!"

I (very lengthily) responded, "I hate to "write" my answer in print. My heart's still hopeful, my desire longs more than ever... but I emailed my sister on Tuesday to tell her my situation... and basically it didn't much change anything. She didn't acknowledge that portion of the email at all when she responded. And I talked to mama right after that and she told me that she had just told her that I was getting her room ready... which would be my room really because it's the only bed we have downstairs.


I got online after talking to her to see if Knoxville is sold out in August. Thus far it is not... but I didn't know if I could twist your arm to go if I offered to buy you a ticket??? I'm sad... and feel horrid... and I've not yet been willing to accept it... thus my reason for not saying so before now. But I guess realistically I'm not going to get to come... I guess you should start looking for someone else to go with you. I'll pay for her ticket!!.. and wish it were me!!

And hey, if you're up for Knoxville, I am serious about that!


And then, later that night in my continual ponder, I emailed her... "I am a bit in Stun-Mode. Or maybe it would better be worded as: Stuck on 'Repeat'. My mind is looping over and over and over again around the fact that my next week isn't working out as I had hoped and planned it. Even thinking it might not work out, something inside kept thinking that in the end it would. I guess technically it isn't "the end" yet. But bar my mom getting sick and unable to travel, I can't see it ending any differently. And I feel too guilty to hope for that. I am excited to see her! BUT, any other weekend, but then!!! Maybe God has His reasons?????????????????? Yet inside it seriously doesn't feel like it. Prepared doesn't even begin to give the true visual of all that I've done to get ready to head your direction. I mean truly! Seriously! Really! I'm not kidding!

I can't help myself, I find myself very down about it. Ugh.. but even typing that just now, I am reminded of when you drove to Chicago to hop on a plane for Disney World and got sent home instead and had to wait a couple of extra days (WITHOUT YOUR LUGGAGE) because of plane problems and full flights. I didn't hear you complaining then... while here I go off about it when it in turn happens to me. I'm sorry for that! I suddenly (just now!) feel rightly convicted!

Shall I hush now and go tell God that I am sorry? I should be excited to see my mama! (I am!) She's been gone for a month and a half now! And who knows in her life-span (or mine) how much longer she'll be left here?

I went to two funerals in two days. It's reminded me that our Heavenly Home beckons us and our earthly toil here is such a short one. Shall we not trust God with every day?!!?! Shall we not trust in Him to plan it regardless of how we've planned it ourselves and for Him to change the course of our paths if He sees fit to? For after all, "EVERY DAY ordained for us was written in His book before even one of them came to be"! So doesn't that mean the days of July 26th through July 29th of 2012 has been planned for He Himself as well.. and that He knows what He wants, where He wants, and why He wants it... even if we don't? Wow... I feel like He's preaching to me as He uses my hands to type these words that I didn't think to think before I found myself typing them.

I'll get off here now. I'll hush. I'll go tell God that I'm sorry and that I trust Him. I'll apologize and repent for complaining, for whining, for grumbling and groaning (I've done so very much of that!!!) I'll tell Him (as I remind myself) that my days are in His hands! May He use them how and where and when and why as He wants to until the day He snatches me from this life and takes me Home for eternity.

I love you! And miss you dearly!"

She responded: "I'm saddened!"

And you know... I truly am too. But I also feel better now. I feel better being reminded that we make the plans, but that regardless of the plans we've made, our God directs our path. Father, please forgive me when I whine. If I trust You, then I have complete confidence in how my days are planned and played out regardless of how I first tried to arrange it! Your will, dear Lord, EVERY-DAY rather than mine!

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