Cindy.... missing Steve more!

Okay. This was totally overwhelming to me! (I'm so sappy!) Perhaps, it's only because it was threaded through old memories that I miss... that meant so much to me???... and it's not relatable to those that don't have the same memories as mine??? I don't know. But regardless, I felt the urge to post.

This blog piggy-backs off of the previous blog that I posted ["Missing Steve"] yesterday. I had emailed my sister to let her know that I'd not forgotten this for-lorn date that rocked our worlds (especially hers and her childrens!), and to let her know that I was both thinking and praying for her.

Below you'll find a copy of my email to her... and then, the one that she replied to me with:


On Fri, Oct 16, 2009 at 3:14 AM, wrote:

Subject: My short-term memory isn't impressive ............. but I'm not too sure my long one's much better.

Hey sweet sister,

I know that it was 14 years ago today that Steve left home and didn't come back. I still find the whole reality of it overwhelming. Hard to conceive. Hard to wrap my head around. Hard to fathom. No doubt, you a thousand times more, even though you've lived with the reality of it every single day since it happened. I have to wonder what you think about on a day like today? That too, is more than I can imagine.

Anyway, as I was thinking about it, I remembered you telling me something about the last sermon he preached (I think it was). I was blown away by what you said. It wasn't so terribly long ago when we were talking about it. BUT, for the life of me I can't remember what it was that you told me. I tried looking back in old emails, but wasn't successful at all with finding anything. Do you know what I'm talking about? Perhaps I have my mind mixed up and it wasn't the last Sunday that he had preached it? I can't remember. Mostly all that I can recall is how impressed I was in what you said. Boy, what I'd do to be able to buy a better memory. :)

Basically, I was thinking about you today.... and wanted to stop a minute to tell you I was.

I love you always! and am praying for you!
sharon

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On Sat, Oct 17, 2009 at 10:10 PM, wrote:

Subject: Re: My short-term memory isn't impressive............. but I'm not too sure my long one's much better.

I've never stopped thinking about Steve, different memories, his last day, the last goodbye. It haunts me, in a good way. It's amazing the impact the simple little things people say or do have on you for the rest of your life. Of course, we decide to use these for bad or for good.

It has never ceased to amaze me when total strangers are kind for no apparent reason, they gain nothing, they have no agendas. I wonder if maybe they are angels.

I have the tape of Steve's sermon, the one you were referring to. It surprised me the first time I listened to it. I saw myself through the eyes of Steve, listened to the voice of a dead man. I needed that to heal. Life is so different from the way it started, how did I get here. Married to another man, living in a different state.

Funny life is rarely what we imagine it to be. Prince Charming must only be in fairy tales. Last night Payton and Riley [two of her grandchildren] spent the night with me. On TV a man kissed a woman, and I asked Payton, "What was that?" Payton said that that's how people kiss when they are in love. Then I asked him if Momma and Daddy kissed that way? He said, "No". Sad isn't it. He's only four years old, but he sees more than we think.

Thank you for remembering, and emailing me it means a lot.

Loved you lil sis, and I'll never stop. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Cindy

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Woe!

Re-reading it had me crying all over again. And, for more reasons than one.

Steve was a preacher and he was also a bass singer with a Christian Quartet in college. He had a beautiful voice! I loved to listen to him. I loved hearing him speak... both in words and in song. He had a great gift. He wasn't perfect. He had his faults, like we all do. But he had a good heart, a heart that wanted to live right for Jesus, and one that wanted to tell others about Him. I must say that I won't rest until I get a copy of that lesson that she spoke of. But I also must admit that I have heard him singing on old tapes, and hearing him sing after he's left his body of this world is a very weird thing to listen to. It's so precious! And priceless!

It makes me wonder, when we go, what we'll leave behind??? Our words and actions might not be captured on film or old tapes, but make no mistake someone will still be hearing our voice and remembering what we said long after we've gone. Someone will never forget what we did.

Wonder what you'll leave behind (and what I will)?... Wonder what recording we'll leave (even if only captured in the recordings of their minds)?...... And wonder what exactly it is that the people we knew will remember that we've done?

One more thing before I hush. I can't help but make mention of what Payton said. In the crazy, busy, hustle and bustle and stress of this world we live in, it's easy to not 'kiss' like your spouse once you're married and have kids like you used to. Maybe some of us need a little rekindling to keep from losing that spark? Because, life is too short, and love too precious to neglect it.